March 29, 2018
Thursdays are special to me.
They are the one day each week that I have specially set aside to look back and remember what God has previously done for me, said to me. Remembering has become an essential practice in my life.
Today as I read a journal from last year, I came across an entry from March 12th, 2017 that God prompted me to share with you.
Let me briefly give you a little context for what you're about to read:
In March 2017 I was two years deep into full time caretaking for my father-in-law who was in the final stage of Alzheimer's disease. His dementia was intense, and he required 'round the clock care. For my husband and I to provide this care, we were living in his parent's home. With all five of our young children. Co-living + caretaking + raising 5 kids + everything else is the context for the desperation I felt at the beginning of this journal entry.
* * *
I am desperate, God. I don't know how to survive my life.
The constant snowball of urgent responsibilities that crowd out the slowness, the stillness, the quiet, the togetherness.
I feel like I am losing my family. I stayed home from church today because I need to hear from You, Papa.
I feel so torn. I feel helpless to protect healthy margin in my life, my family's life.
I can't ever seem to get to any homeschooling. How do I prioritize people in all the tasks? How do I let go of looking sideways at what other people want accomplished? How do I have anything to give anyone?
I want to love people well. I miss my husband. I can't even seem to slow down for him...
I fell asleep trying to watch Harry Potter with Selah last night. I want her to know I care about what she cares about.
It's never enough. I never get it all done. And I feel like my lack of getting things done impacts other people negatively. I feel like my life creates a negative impact. Help me. I feel like my positive impact isn't enough.
How do You want me to arrange my day? The strategic side of life? How do You want me to educate, feed, clothe, train Your children You've given me to steward?
Because I feel like I'm failing them, and You.
I am so physically tired I can hardly keep my eyes open.
My husband wants me to be a wife to him, and I want to be. But no energy. I can't work in a shower. It feels like a herculean effort to get to the point of brushing my teeth.
*Then the Lord said in my spirit: You have been telling your God about your mountain. Now, tell your mountain about your God.
I waited, and as the Holy Spirit brought reality about my God to mind, I wrote His words.
My God can create anything and everything out of nothing.
My God holds everything together.
My God knows how to rescue me from any trial.
My God's ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts.
My God supplies all my needs.
My God is the Way, the Truth, the Life.
My God is Love. In Him there is no darkness at all.
My God has unlimited patience.
My God does not need something built by my hands.
My God delights and rejoices over me.
My God is the Door and always provides a way out when I am tempted.
My God is the Rock. My refuge. My Hiding Place. My Mighty Fortress.
My God makes things grow.
My God gives words from His mouth for me to live by.
My God will not forget me.
My God has engraved me on the palms of His hands.
My God makes my arms strong. I can bend a bow of bronze.
My God is so loving that He gives.
My God will give me the Holy Spirit when I ask Him.
My God fils everything in every way.
My God's love casts out fear.
My God knows the way and He will direct me to walk in it.
My God can walk on water, calm waves, and make a Red Sea Road.
My God teaches and reminds me of everything He has said to me.
My God's grace is sufficient for me, His power is made perfect in my weakness.
My God is the Prince of Peace. The Wonderful Counselor. His might no one can fathom.
My God's words accomplish what He sends them for.
My God gives me His armor.
My God's Spirit brings freedom. My God has set me free.
* * *
Thank You, Lord.
* * *
Dear one reading this: Go ahead. Unload in all frazzled rawness and honesty about your very-real-and-overwhelming mountain to your God. Unload all your pain and confusion. He cares. He leans close to hear and hold every word, every feeling.
Then?... with the help of the Holy Spirit, Tell your mountain about your God.
You are so, so loved.
*P. S. I heard the life-changing phrase "tell your mountain about your God" from Candice Castillo. She is a beautiful sister in Christ who has walked/continues to walk with Jesus through incredible loss and struggles. She makes beautiful art out of her love for God. Thank you, Candice!